Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
