So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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