He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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