Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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