Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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