Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
