you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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