If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
