and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
