I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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