Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
