dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
