i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
