how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
