you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
