Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
