Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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