I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
