You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
