if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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