i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
