Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
