i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
