omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
