I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
