hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
