The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
