My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
