I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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