dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
