Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pants are for mortals
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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