distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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