i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
