just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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