I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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