what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
