Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
