Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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