he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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