The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
