RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
