3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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