Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
