I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
