how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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