I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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