it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
