Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
