I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
