So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
