I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
