I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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