if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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