He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.