The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
bring money and cleavage
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
