Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
