All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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