Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
