So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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